There’s a stereotype in Thailand of the older, often balding, white guy paired with a younger, skinnier, more attractive Thai girl. And it’s true. Regardless of the…validity (?) or reason behind these relationships, it’s apparent to anyone who has landed in the Bangkok airport that there are a whole lotta white guys with Thai women and…zero white women with Thai guys.
Before I left home, friends teased me asking if I thought I would find a Thai boyfriend, get married and never come back. I said no. Not because I had anything against Thai guys (I didn’t even know any), I just didn’t think that was going to happen.
Fast forward a year and a half, and I’m not getting married or never coming home, but I may or may not have found a certain someone. And, by that I mean, I have a Thai boyfriend. In fact, he’s someone I mentioned briefly back in a May post on Wanderlust and Lipstick… That tattoo artist… Yep.
I’ve actually had people in the past couple months when they found out I was dating a Thai guy ask me, “How did that happen?”. Word for word. That’s not normally something you ask someone when you hear they’re in a relationship. I’m usually a pretty decent person, so I don’t think it was questioning how I could get a boyfriend, and it wasn’t meant rudely, though it sounds kind of harsh. It’s just that, really, you rarely, rarely see it.
On the road for a weekend trip
The only (few) couples that I’ve met or heard about with a white girl and Thai guy (sorry, is the term ‘white girl’ wrong? It’s just that here, we’re not considered European, or Australian, or American, or whatever, but farang or ‘white foreigner’), the guy is either a musician, a bartender or a tattoo artist. Why? My belief is that these are the few guys who are able, willing and used to talking with Western women. I (still!) don’t have any Thai friends even after living in Thailand, working in Thai schools and being able to speak a bit of Thai. It’s frustrating and hard to understand or explain – I usually feel very welcome here and people are polite. But that’s as far as it goes. (I once sent a message to a fellow teacher, who was my age and who had spoken to me several times at school, if she would like to get coffee sometime. I wrote it in Thai then again in English saying that I hoped I had said everything correctly the first time. She responded with, “Yes, you were correct. Good job.” Nothing about meeting up. ??!?! ) If it that’s difficult to make friends, how in the world am I supposed have a relationship with someone?
I don’t know if it’s an intimidation thing, a money thing, a language thing…I’m assuming a combination of all three. Whereas in the Western male/Thai female relationships it’s often assumed that the man has more money and is the care taker, maybe it’s more confused with Western female/Thai male. The guys who work in the bars and the tattoo shops and as musicians, depending on where they’re located, have more interaction with Westerners in general (I hate that label, like we’re an entirely different type of people) and have better English skills. Saving face is a huge deal in Thailand and there’s a fear, like with any foreign language, about speaking English and looking stupid if speaking incorrectly.
The Western women are with the bartenders/musicians/tattoo artists because they acknowledge us. I’m sure there are plenty more foreigners living in Thailand or traveling through that would LOVE to meet a Thai guy and have some sort of relationship, but someone needs to. make. a. move.
And then you may just get lucky and find one that cooks…
Somehow I managed to cross this invisible cultural barrier and have found myself now helping in a tattoo shop. With my Thai boyfriend. Who would have guessed?
Live or spent time in Thailand? What’s your take on this?
18 comments :
I’ve not been to Thailand yet (it’s still on my bucket list) but I love your insight on the whole dating a Thai thing. It looks like being a ‘white’ women in this country is not an easy thing! But I guess there is a thing in common with all the relationships: you never know where and when you will meet the special someone! I’m looking forward to more personal stories on what have you learnt thanks to your bf… and lucky you that he cooks!
I still haven’t wrapped my head around all of the social structures and nuances here…everyday I (still) make a mistake or learn something new. The whole thing is definitely an experience!
Hey Alana, firstly congratulations. Secondly, is this so surprising? I’ve been in thailand since may 2011 (exactly as long as you have) and know personally eight white women (and one guy) of my age or close to my age some of whom are dating most of whom are married to thai men.
See, I’ve met…3…women dating Thai guys and that’s it. Like, I said though, I also still haven’t manage to make any good friends who are Thai, so maybe my social life here as been more limited than I think? I don’t know. I wish it was different. Regardless, there are still way, way more white men with Thai women.
I always joked that ‘the good Thai boys are only interested in dating the good Thai girls’ – there is such a strong stigma about dating a Wild Western Woman that most guys seemed to shy away from the idea. I lived in CM for almost 3 years and did my fair share of dating – and not *all* of them fell into the bartender/bar owner/tattoo artist/tour guide/musician group! -but all but one spoke decent+ English. I was in school when I first came, so I dated some students, too – and had the same problem you mentioned about really making friendships beyond a surface-level friendliness. I worked with Burma NGOs, and there are far more fahrang woman/burmese(or ethnic) man relationships – most that I knew of were long term, serious relationships, many married. I think there’s just as many social barriers as it is a language thing. But that was always the most insightful (and frustrating..and fun!) glimpse into cultural assumptions.
Ha – if I was a ‘Wild Western Woman’ I feel like I should be wearing cowboy boots and some leather fringe right now… I understand there are so many differences, but still have been surprised/annoyed/disappointed at the barriers, especially when I feel like I have tried and really wanted to cross those barriers. I had lived here for a year before I ever had a dinner in a Thai home – and now, six months later, it’s only happened….one more time? Thanks for your insight – it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has felt a little cut off!
This is exciting alana! have fun and keep smiling! his shoulder is cute! ha!!
I’m a sucker for a cute shoulder…
I really enjoyed reading this Alana. The part that surprised me the most was that e-mail you wrote about getting a coffee. First, amazing you could write that….i still couldn’t do so in Korean haha. Second, how strange! I also have had trouble making any korean friends, but at the same time I understand because we really don’t have too much in common. Sometimes it seems Their interests are all so different than mine. Keep us posted about the boyfriend and cultural mishaps….I’m sure there will be some
Well, I can read Thai and know the words but couldn’t type on my com, so had to put them into a translating dictionary and copy/paste
I was pretty proud of myself though…and then a little let down by the response! True about the interests and having things in common – it can be a fine line between learning about another’s interests and even you don’t share them you want to know more and simply just not connecting before your tastes are so different.
Wow! Allow me to chime in please!
I’m pretty much Thai and have been dating farang girls most of my life. I just prefer their attitude over the jealous, gossipy, outrageous Thai girls. Stereotyping I know…
My last gf was a blonde american girl. At times we found it quirky to be in a relationship that was “against the grain”, but that’s what made it so much better.
Sometimes people would presume I was her ‘helper’ of some sort or a ‘translator’. That doesn’t do the ego any good. we get a lot of stares. and thai people (especially ladies) would make sure I know that I was “lucky” and that she is a beautiful girl and that they wish they could be in my position. blah.
I think the image has just been tarnished because of all the ‘sexpats’ that come here by the truckload. I’m not even talking about the old german/english dudes that end up in patpong/pattaya, but the frat boys/douchebags that come here after watching movies like the hangover 2.
anyway, i’ve randomly rambled.
The whole thing is just kind of odd isn’t it? I hear stereotypes from all sides about why Thai women like a Western man and not Thai men, why Western men like Thai women instead of Western women, and vice versa. It ultimately just comes down to person-to-person, but there’s also some truth to the stereotypes…everyone’s ideas seem to be contradicting each other which makes it confusing though. It’s also confusing and uncomfortable to me to be so aware that we’re supposedly so different or a type of novelty couple – I wouldn’t think that way at home, but here it’s kind of in your face!
Oh the things I miss when I’m away from the internet for a few months! I never did date while I lived in Japan, but I think that’s more of a personality thing. Though I’ve heard that a lot of Japanese men find western women intimidating. I kind of think that western women are used to chivalry and being shown a lot of affection, which can make them uncomfortable. Random thoughts from my observations. maybe?
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” It’s just that here, we’re not considered European, or Australian, or American, or whatever, but farang or ‘white foreigner’), the guy is either a musician, a bartender or a tattoo artist. Why? My belief is that these are the few guys who are able, willing and used to talking with Western women. ”
I think it’s far more likely that it’s just that those are the kind of guys you are attracted to.
To put it mildly, most Thai guys are far more towards the “metro” side than guys you would be used to back home. The few that inspire western women are the ones working in classic bad boy jobs.
Mmm…maybe. I’m more ‘inspired’ though by someone I can actually communicate with though more than if he’s ‘metro’ or ‘bad boy’. I also don’t know if I buy that whole stereotype of the bad boy appeal…regardless the guys from these jobs are often more likely to be around and speak with Western women than others.
That’s true, but so are Macdonalds checkout operators and car hire desk clerks.
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I liked your post! From my time spent in Thailand and everyone I came across, my conclusion is that Thailand is a very “closed” country. It has to do with the monarchy, history, and the way they are raised. There isn’t any hostility towards foreigners, just no or little curiosity. It is a tough place to make friends and date as far as locals go. And those bald dudes with the young thai girls? There usually isn’t much of a relationship there, more like a business partnership! Good luck with everything!
Thanks for reading, Kevin. You make a good point, people are almost always polite and helpful but there’s definitely a wall up . I think a lot of that has to do with language barriers and there are some pretty major cultural differences that create completely opposite ways of looking at things – sometimes it can be difficult to find understanding or common ground. These differences add to intrigue, but also can be frustrating at times!